I am a fake

Sometimes I think,” If eyes are the windows to the soul then grief is its door, as long as its closed, its the barrier between knowing and not knowing, walk away from it and it stays closed for ever. Open it and walk through it and pain becomes truth. And now I’ve faced the struggle for my own survival that I always knew was coming”......

  Night at around 11.30,we  were returning from City to college .Not knowing if it was the cool breeze or the after exam mood as Akash asked “Sameer did you ever go to your parents, hug them and say that they are the best Parents and you love them too much..without any reason, just for the sake of what you are feeling...think of the response”. I saw his face and said “dude don’t  you think it seems a lil kiddish..I mean a lil awkward but that was a too intense question and my answers were not at all doing justice to the question”......................

Sometimes I think , I am the same person as the world looks upon me. I think the way I am behaving is changing me and I am losing the real me. I mean I owe more than what I can afford to my roommate who taught me, “you have to connect to people coz without that you cant survive ,you need them near you in the time of need.”

I mean I greet with a smile when i don’t want to, only to show the next person. I listen to the views of others and compliment them when i know that they are wrong but they wont listen. I compliment a girl/guy on her/his looks when i know she/he is not good. I say “bhai” to those whom i don’t even consider to be a friend. I make friends with those who I don’t connect to at all. I allow girls with good looks(dumb) to take me for granted when i know they can’t even correctly differentiate x-square, those whom i would have looked down upon in school. On the other hand I also can’t go up to a girl who genuinely looks good and compliment her..guts won’t allow. I Sit in a crowd with a forced smile painted on my face (which hurts my jaws more than something good) only to fit in, only to show i am not a cynical weirdo.Is it maturity or is it the social compatibility or just being good. I have seen so many who seem to have lost what they really were ,now they are simply a clown of the society all fit in lost originality,cracking silly jokes amusing people, sometimes I too fake that but I am in transition.

Someone said “when they ask How Are you?,They really don’t look for an answer. Its just like picking up the phone and saying “Hello”!!!

Why can’t words come straight from the heart and can’t be filtered to soothe the soul of the listener?? Why? !! Why can’t I go and say that I am not what you think of me, i am the one who was there, noticed you sobbing outside the NLHC  and wished if I could be there for you. Why I can’t  crossover my vanity and show my inner insecurity,introversion ,guilt,shyness,love,hate,smile and sometimes emptiness.

Why can’t I say the people around that behind this rude arrogant ,rampant, carefree face lies a face which yearns to smile with a reason, to burn down the plethora of guilt by apologies, a face which longs to be true ,unbiased ....and

A Face OF heart and not a fake !!!!

For the first 15 yrs, I was a home boy, true exact coz i needed to go out and connect with others but I can say I was real that time.... Donno about today....

This is dedicated to my two cherries on my cake Deepraj and Ashish. And to those to whom i was untrue.... biased, Fake... You see I am learning donno right or wrong..